One of the more uncomfortable feelings you may encounter while looking into your family tree is the recognition that your ancestors behaved in ways that are either not popularly acceptable today or which are downright immoral no matter the time period. Whatever your background as an individual is, handling these family truths is an important part of the process of shedding light on your genealogy – and it could help you build bridges where none used to exist.

When your relative held another faith

For some households, religion can play a major role both in the lives of the individual and in the cohesiveness of the family. However, religious preferences tend to shift over time, particularly as families move or the popularity of different religions changes. Children and grandchildren may prefer a different type of faith than their ancestors, or they may move away from religion all together.

When looking at your family tree, you may find that your relative held a different faith than you. They may have been a Roman Catholic, a Protestant, a Hindu, or a follower of Theravada Buddhism. Perhaps they were burned as a witch in medieval Europe, early America, or Africa.

If your personal faith directly conflicts with that of your relative, it’s important to keep context in mind. People’s religious preferences are often tied in with the community they grew up in, and for much of our history, families did not drastically change their locations over time (it took humans 50,000 years to get from Africa to South America, after all). As products of their surroundings, our ancestors adopted the faiths of those around them.

You could also look at this as a good opportunity to learn more about the faith of your ancestors. Depending on how much primary documentation (in the form of journals, religious memorabilia, or newspaper clippings) you have, you may be able to get a sense of how devout of a believer your relative was. Taking the time to understand what they believed could help you connect with your ancestor in a new and profound way.

The criminal in the closet: If your relative went to jail

Finding documentation or hearing oral history about your relative going to jail can be unsettling, but, again, context is key. What did they go to jail for? Some actions regarded as crimes in the past (such as homosexual relations, women wearing pants, or even disagreeing with a clergy of the faith) are no longer illegal (depending on where you’re reading this from).

The first step, then, is to ask: Was it a just law? Would it be illegal today, or, if so, would you have done it yourself given the right opportunity?

If the crime was definitely unacceptable from today’s standards (such as murder, rape, or robbery), you may be left with an uncomfortable truth: your relative committed a dishonorable deed, putting a stain in the family history books as they did. If that’s the case, then it’s up to you to put your family tree into perspective with human history. Millions upon millions of people have been to jail for a wide variety of violent crimes – and in some cases, their time in prison enables them to atone for their crimes and lead a better life when they come out. 

You may not know whether your relative changed their ways after going to prison. But you should acknowledge that time served in prison (or whatever penalty your relative received) is designed to be punishment enough to resolve the debt to society.

Upon finding a legacy of war crimes or genocide

At the extreme end, some of us will find some truly dark elements to our family tree – such as that our relatives were slave holders, that they were soldiers who burned villages, or that they were Nazis or part of another fascist regime working to eliminate entire groups of people. 

These are difficult truths to uncover, and acknowledging the actions of your ancestors can be daunting in these cases. Taking a long view of human history – including the genocide of the Native Americans, the Japanese-Chinese conflicts, the wars between kingdoms in Africa – we find sadly abundant evidence that humans have frequently treated each other very poorly. While there are different schools of thought as to whether humans are innately violent or if culture brings it out, the truth remains that we have, for one reason or another, committed grave violence against each other. 

Having acknowledged that, it’s important to recognize that it doesn’t make it okay. No matter the motivation, your ancestor was part of a movement that resulted in death and catastrophe for other human beings. They may have been acting under orders, religious zealotry, or greed, but nothing excuses the wrongness of their actions. 

Finding a path forward

Relatives of wrongdoers, prisoners, soldiers and generals can rest assured of one fact: the choices made by one individual were their choices alone. Being related to someone does not inherently mean that you are predestined to act in similar ways, nor does it mean that your overall family history is besmirched. Instead, it can be seen as being but one part of humanity’s colorful tapestry. 

No matter your family’s past, as the living descendant of your relative, you are proof that families constantly have the ability to evolve. Taking on our family’s dark truths can be a challenge, but doing so enables the resolution of historic wrongs – and shines a lantern on a better path for the future.

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